Today....

It’s been a hard day today. A feeling old, fat, flabby, menopausally sad and dissatisfied kind of day.

This morning I was home, no real work to do, just house work. No real work because I am still not in full voice. I was bored, restless, feeling alone. Hubby was asleep, sleeping because he could and because he would need to work tonight and because he’d had a late night playing Pictionary, eating fine cheese and drinking red wine with all our little family last night. Even the dog was sleeping. I didn’t have enough cash to think of going out, cause I really have not been able to work enough lately. So coffee with friends in a cafe was out of the question, still a friends conversation would be good. I rang around, but today not one person I would have talked to was in. I rang the kids, no answer.

Thankfully they did ring back a little later and suggest they come over with various food items and we combine to make a stupendous brunch. Great idea, and in the nick of time as I was just beginning to tear.

Brunch was good, but I ate too much and this was bad. Then I decided to work on a short story, I am doing a short story course and trying to get skilled! I was up to editing; I am not good at editing my own work. It’s boring. I asked the eldest to help; she was great, insightful, tight and very on the ball. The help was very useful. I know my story will be better because of her help, but I was sad that I needed help. It used to be me helping with homework. Does this mean I am starting to be geriatric, are the tables turning so soon?? Then I read her story, she is doing the course too. So much more interesting than mine, more compelling. I was proud. This was good, but again it made me wonder, what are you doing old woman, is there purpose to your ramblings?? Does there need to be??

I thought perhaps I’d change the energy and work on a mosaic I am doing. Not much happening there yet! And sitting alongside it is miss nearly independents mosaic, startling and lifelike and full of artistic flair...mine is ok, don’t get me wrong, just not so professional. I was proud again. Seems I do proud very well....

Ah well I said I think I might use up all those kiwi fruit and make some jam....urgh, said Miss nearly independents partner, sounds yuk. He is a chef....perhaps it is an odd taste, I thought, should I make it anyway??? What for Goodness Sake am I Doing Here?

Ah well youngest was due home from school about now, so I let the dog out to greet her. Interested as I am in her day, I know better than to bombard her with questions as soon as she walks in the door. I hover a little and smile. She gets herself a snack, I think, hmm, a snack would be nice. “Pass me the pita bread will you” I say. She lets out a sigh and throws it at me across the table. ‘What?’ she says??

Nothing I mumble.
I call Hubby now at work and he is too busy to talk, but he does say he forgot to organise to have Friday off. Never mind. We were going out on Friday. Nothing too special just a movie I wanted to see and time alone together. Such a rarity. I tell him its ok and hang up.

Yes it was a hard day today. Not because of any big disaster, any major mishap. Just because of little inconsequential things. Still, the voice is getting better and I am allowed gentle speech, the eyes are not getting too much worse too quickly and I am alive. The rain is easing and the sun is peeping out from the clouds. But menopause is still lurking with its hormonal chaos and emotional rollercoaster. The spare tyre is still wedged firmly around my middle and I still sometimes feel old and alone.