This weekend I have been helping Miss independent to hold a garage sale in an effort to get packed up ready for a road trip to Adelaide with Miss nearly independent and then an overseas trip. Its good to help…to spend time with her and to see her excited about a new adventure…it is also hard for me to let go and see them move so far away physically…they are going to Adelaide first to spend some quality time with the other half of their family…Miss Independent will then fly out to work in America for two months and after...who knows...and it is likely Miss nearly independent will stay in Adelaide and find work, at least for a while….she will have completed University and is ready for change ……but am I?
I have spent a good portion of my life believing myself to be the Change Queen! I hadn’t counted on change that did not involve having all my children within easy distance….even when contemplating going to Samoa I had the firm belief it would be an enticing place for these older two to visit and perhaps work for a while in……here is the reality however, children move on and out and their life expands just as it should….mine also expands in some ways as a result of this but it contracts in other places….knowing your kids are mature, capable and adventurous is wonderful and expansive for a mum, it says you did ok and that they are making it in this mad world…but it also says your immediate world is getting smaller and that your immediate purpose has shrunk a little …..it calls for some re- work on the self identifying picture….
It’s a good thing I will agree, as good as birth but as painful in many ways too….
It is a common held belief that we take self identity or sense of self from our family, culture, country and experience……in truth I believe we take our self identity also from what we see as our purpose in life…and as a parent my purpose has been largely bound up with looking after, out for and taking care of the needs of my children. Certainly I am my own person and I do not live through my children…but I am also certain that by and large I live for them….I love being a Mum! The rewards are huge, A smiling face, a warm cuddle, a heartfelt thank-you….a hold of the hand….and the greatest pleasure of all , watching them all having fun together…being a family!
Rick Hoyle of the University of Kentucky lists a number of things that define the concept of self and this is amongst them…
‘Most of our understanding of the world (e.g., other people, things we read or see) is filtered through our understanding of self.’
If this is true then my view of the world I inhabit and function in is understood via my concept of self…which in my mind is based upon my view of my purpose in the world which in turn intimates that my understanding of the world comes via my interaction with my children! A perfectly wonderful example of just how much we learn from the younger generation and not visa versa.
In the aims for Journal for the International Society of self and Identity they say, “Work on self and identity has a special place in the study of human nature, as self-concerns are arguably at the center of individuals' striving for well-being and for making sense of one's life. Life goals develop and are influenced by one's view of what one is like, the way one would ideally like to be (or would like to avoid being), as well as one's perceptions of what is feasible. Furthermore, conceptions of self and the world affect how one's progress towards these goals is monitored, evaluated, redirected, re-evaluated, and pursued again.”
I could certainly say that my self concerns revolve around my striving for well being. I could also say that they revolve around my need to make sense of my life….and of course that is one of the most dynamic reasons for having children…they do help to give some sense to one’s life…with them we have the opportunity to affirm our belief in living for a start ( or we would not choose to give life to another), we also have the opportunity to affirm our philosophical beliefs by imparting them to our children ( who may disagree…but this keeps our self identity questioning and as long as this is going on we continue to have a vibrant sense of self) …life goals are certainly developed based upon what one is like…what one becomes like when one has children is like a parent! All personal goals are tailored to that fact…they are also tailored to what one would like to be…a really good parent…my conceptions of the self and world are as a parent and this is the basis from where I monitor, evaluate, redirect and pursue…..
It doesn’t negate a me aside from being a parent…but it does explain the structural form from where my sense of self comes…..flesh it out as I might, the building (or self) would not stand in its present form without its basic structure.
Others may choose to build their structure around something other than being a parent…..some other life purpose from which their sense of self stems….career goal, humanitarian work, artistic pursuit….but still I believe this purpose is where we largely take our sense of self identity from….. so when our ability to give action and voice to this purpose dissipates ( children leave home…our physical body can longer sustain the activity…we become ill…or the job itself becomes obsolete) we must of necessity re identify ourselves and find a new structure from which to understand ourselves….
Some might reflect this in what is commonly known as a midlife crisis….
Oh my gosh…does this suggest that this is where I am…..not exactly because I still have two children very much in my care ( ok not so very much…..straining at the leash….climbing over the wall…..sneaking around corners…organising their own lives...how dare they??) but it is where I am heading…( thank goodness for the puppy…he still needs me…..how many older women have you seen with a little dog????? Great…even the dog is a reflection of my age…they might have a cream for wrinkles but they don’t have one for behaviour!)
And all this from a garage sale and cleaning out a few cupboards…..
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