Happy birthday to me! The 1st of October is here and I am a new older me!!!!!!! Groan for the older but yeh for having been born and thus having the opportunity to appreciate the warmth of the sun on my back…..my children’s’ smiles (not to mention the very real initiation into life and its mysteries that was birth), sharing and journeying with someone you love….chocolate…..puppy……Yoga…..good movies….singing…..it goes on (ahhhh I am a bit trite aren’t I?...but its all true). OK there have been some pretty harrowing episodes in this life of mine and some poor decisions and some moments of pure despair…..but that’s life…and without it all its passionless and dry and lukewarm…and I know for certain that no-one would label me with any one of those! As the saying goes… “If the path has heart, follow it…” and in truth this is what I have done and I am proud of the sentiment if not always of the results!
But menopausily speaking this birthday comes at a time when I am not my best self and find it hard to be proud of me…… picture the ideal me, calm and centred, always able to go that extra distance if others need me, full of energy and feeling fit, ably controlling my considerable temper, rational and erudite, prioritizing well and compromising easily…….now picture the menopausal me……..often restless and off balance, easily excited and searching everywhere for my centre ( perhaps it’s the new spare tyre but it seems harder than ever to find!), trying in vain to go the distance and then some when I am needed but stumbling on the way and crumbling under the overwhelmingness of it all…whinging my way around this and losing kudos in the process, often tired with hips that slip out and arthritis that screams at me ( despite my special relationship with the Gym of late and my long time affair with Yoga), temperamental and easily dramatic, self destructive and occasionally very loud and abusive, definitely not rational, forgetful and quickly brought to tears, there is no priority because I am usually in a muddle anyway and compromising myself seems less natural than it used to! Wow………
I know, I check the books and read the web sites…all quite expected during menopause…I can live with that….but can my family and my Husband……
They’re doing a bonza job actually, but it doesn’t seem fair…..and the Mother guilt takes on monstrous proportions…..my husband looks a little more confused and I feel like the wicked witch of the north for doing this to him….Seriously…how do other ladies cope?? Behind closed doors are they all as loopy as me? I hope so, so that I can feel vindicated….but isn’t that a horrid thing to hope for anyone??? You see what’s happened, I am reduced to petty and evil desires in order to feel blameless.
Its a passing thing thank goodness but lets hope it’s a fast train passing because I am tired of the wait to alight at my destination….where I am a really mindful individual with the ability to express all the better bits of me…the loving, generous, empathetic, kind and intelligent me who knows in every cell of her being that every day will hold her in a calm and precious way because she is calm and precious.
No comments:
Post a Comment