The vulnerable strength

Vulnerability is described in Wikipedia as ‘the susceptibility to physical or emotional injury or attack. It also means to have one's guard down, open to censure or criticism; assailable. Vulnerability refers to a person's state of being liable to succumb,’ it’s a concept I have been pondering on in a deep and very real way of late, perhaps for the very first time of my life......
I am thinking that I am ok with the realization of my vulnerability and I understand that it may just be a realization that is concurrent with the aging process, but considering my track record of invulnerability so far it is one that has all but evaded me....of course I have tangled with the human race vulnerability to environmental degradation and climate change...to their (our) greed and ego....to peer pressure and bullying...

Cat Stevens wrote (when he still used this alias) “Think a lot. Think of everything you've got. For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not," aptly capturing the vulnerability of the human spirit.

But actually recognizing…realizing and facing head on, your own physical vulnerability…this very personal conceptualization of the self…this thing that shows you how insignificant the flesh you carry really is in the bigger scheme of things…..well, it’s not the same, that’s all I can say…

So what is this vulnerability I recently became aware of? Well without milking the pathos of it, ( and in reality it is a small recognition when you look at what others are facing, with terminal illness, war, and third world conditions…..) I have been waging my own little war with the asthma monster…and yes taming it to be sure, but only with a fervent effort and there have been times when all the tools I have at my disposal have seemed too small to come to the taming party.
I have my meditation and breathing techniques, I have my medication and the noisy ventilator machine and I have my cortisone……but guys, none of this is just me facing the demon…and to be honest I have found myself in situations where all of the above ( perhaps with the exception of breathing techniques) just were not available…and I was quietly chanting in Sanskrit to myself whilst wondering how I was going to cope with what looked like an imminent final embrace of the monster……

Asthma has been so much a part of my life in one way or another what with the girls all suffering from it too that I guess I have taken it for granted…. so of late I have been open eyed and surprised to find myself ‘not in control’…and I have felt in the depth of my being, vulnerable.

Added to this is a little matter of my eyes….growing older and less useful to be sure, but also suffering from a rare disorder… (Fuchs) and ultimately going blind until I can get a cornea transplant x2. It’s no biggie but it is an eye-opener ( ha ha) to another new reality I am increasingly having to face, relying on another human being for help…..it’s another form of vulnerability, and it’s just as awkward for me to embrace.

I have avoided writing about this stuff until now because I have, I guess, avoided accepting my ultimate humanness and my ultimate lesson….that indeed we are all in our different ways vulnerable. We are terminal….we are lasting only in the actions that ripple into the world causing other actions and reactions which in turn ripple into the world….and to understand this in a truly fundamental way ( as opposed to my previous intellectual way) is a gift…and one that has the remarkable and profound ability to change my life…wow!

To ‘get’ the enormity of the day to day struggle for survival of so many of us takes us away from pity, and edges us a little closer to empathy…whilst actually tempering every action with a consciousness of its world -wide repercussions.
I thought I was pretty aware before…but this new awareness is like opening up a totally new dimension.
I believed I had compassion before ( I like helping others, I loved volunteering O/S and I cry when I watch the news) but it was a selfish kind of compassion that fed my needs rather than grasped the profound reality of another’s.

What I am trying to say is, we all like to think we can make a difference, we all like to assume that altruistic acts make us good people…none of this is untrue, but it is in essence about us…not because we relate to another’s vulnerability but because we feel we can assuage some of their vulnerability….I think now that we cannot ever take away vulnerability, that respecting it is what it is actually all about. I think now that I want to respect the journey more and its impact upon the energies I come into contact with. I want to be aware that every thought I have is of significance in the energy it sends forth. I trust now that any suffering I may experience is the suffering of everyman/woman, that to be of help is not the answer, but to be allied to all without judgment is, and that the greatest gift I have is my vulnerability, which lets me toil side by side another…in absolute equality. It is not about self denial, or about lofty giving, it is about the generosity of spirit that involuntarily shares. It is not about being a volunteer; it is about being a fellow creature.

“ …the principle of vulnerability is ontologically prior to the other principles, ( i.e. Autonomy, dignity, and integrity) it expresses better than all other ethical principles in the discussion of the finitude of the human condition, and therefore it might be the real bridging idea between moral strangers in a pluralistic society.’(Jacob Dahl Rendtorff, Jacob Dahl and Peter Kemp, in ‘basic ethical principles in bioethics and biolaw vol 1.)

“When the cliff dissolves beneath our feet, fear has a way of actually lessening. Fearlessness opens the way to recognizing our pushy egos and that rather than being cursed with original sin, we are blessed with vulnerability.” Pema Chodron

I think that if getting older can keep me in wisdom lessons then bring it on….I cherish being vulnerable…it makes me more human in the nicest possible way…and it makes every moment of every day an immense and wonderful lifetime…