disciplining the urge to control....

After some time out of my usual routine (due to afore said illness and other minor upsets like being cut off in a flood and the no school open on the Clarence coast effect and my husband’s own malady of concussion resulting from an altercation with one of his newer long boards...) a routine which in essence is a personal discipline... I thought I would use the return of some sun and the quietness of a lazy Sunday to return to it. Albeit it was later in the day than this routine usually starts and the children were up and busy with their lives around the house.....but still, I was determined to begin...I had had an insight while lying close to sleep the night before and I was determined to put this into practice...

I was thinking about the lesson of all of this. The reason I needed to address the art of breathing....the idea that breath somehow equalled control for me. I decided there was some difference between control and discipline...that what I needed to relinquish was my sense of control and that what I needed to acquire was my sense of self discipline. It’s kind of like this....self discipline asks that you make the decisions not to by buy chocolate when you do the shopping, control says that you buy it and then stop yourself from eating it.
The term control is used in a variety of contexts to express "mastery" over. Control is defined in the dictionary as: ‘self-denial: the act of denying yourself; controlling your impulses.’ It applies across the board…denying others their impulses…denying others full stop….expecting full mastery or proficiency over an act and when getting it, or when maybe not getting it, taking over yourself to ensure you get it…etc. Hmmm yes control could be an issue for me…breath could be part of it…breathe right…deny how you feel with breath…etc…breathe for others if necessary…..aghmmmmm

Discipline on the other hand comes from a term that means the systematic instruction given to a disciple. This sense also preserves the origin of the latin derivative, which is disciplina "instruction", from the root discere "to learn," and from which discipulus "disciple or pupil" also derives. To discipline thus means to instruct a person to follow a particular code of conduct, or to adhere to a certain "order."It’s all about modeling character and teaching acceptable behaviors to oneself or to others…behaviors that in effect make life more enjoyable and our relationships more fulfilling and that allow us to embrace our freedoms, our desire and our instincts in a more fruitful way. .. Yes this is what I need self discipline, not control…and it applies of course across the board too...I should be disciplining my children not controlling them…fine line but big differences in outcome!!

So, on this note I began my morning self discipline and to instigate it I needed to first turn off the radio blaring forth in the lounge. Youngest daughter remonstrated…’I was LISTENING to that’, ‘yes I know,’ I said, ‘and now I am going to do my Yoga and chanting’….I disciplined myself not to get angry, to give in and forget that I lived here too or try to take control and go into a lengthy dissertation (gosh I am good at those!) about all the other important things she could be doing now!!!

And then there was the Son and his bellowing techno music wafting out of his open bedroom door…’I need you to turn that down and close the door please’ I said, ‘ I am going to do yoga and chant for a while thanks…’ expletive or two later the request was accomplished…hmmm…again I resisted taking control and marching like a dragon lady into his room to breathe controlling fire that included a few extra chores… I listened and quietly disciplined, ‘better language next time thanks, it’s not good for your energy and it affects the house chi. You can enjoy your music soon enough and I live here too you know…..’

It felt good this self discipline and it caused a step back from the kids…there was nothing to confront to control or try and break free from and they acquiesced quietly….yes I like it!
Then I did my stuff and had my time and felt better about myself and had such a healthy breakfast and remained positive all day and got a lot of work done, on my book, my self esteem, my nearly due articles and my overall well being…

The lesson is, do not try to control either self or others or life in general, merely discipline to gentler and more affective effect! Teach self and others tools for self betterment…not tools for self defense!

After all it’s in our human nature to lack control. We have a restricted amount of self-control, and that it can be exhausted. If you don’t want to get into the chocolate, don’t buy chocolate. If you don’t want to spend money, don’t go to the shops. If you don’t want to max out your credit card debt, leave your credit card at home or better yet cut it up and dispose if it! If you have to shop, take a list and go by yourself. If you don’t want to get drunk, don’t meet your friends in a bar. Like Samuel Johnson said, “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.” We don’t need to put the hackles of control on our lives and our instincts. We need to change the stimuli we expose ourselves to and this in essence is self-discipline. Discipline is mostly what you do to encourage good behavior. It is the positive edge of taking responsibility and it doesn’t require us to dictate to ourselves or anyone else and it doesn’t deny us our humanness….it accepts it and makes allowances for it and rearranges things because of it and so avoids confrontation and the ever present want to control….
Up until now I had always said that abstinence was a cop out, that we need to test ourselves by the art of moderation….but now I am not so sure, if the breathing lesson is all about letting go and trusting in process and not needing to have control over everything and everyone, then perhaps I am being too hard on myself and everyone else. I am asking for complete control…it’s not in us, have you seen a dog around food, or a seagull around the picnic spot? We as sentient beings just need to avoid some things, those things we know we cannot control. And by letting go of control of another, we don’t threaten them and they won’t bite back and we can teach and show and model the better way. By letting go of trying to control ourselves we are not setting ourselves up for defeat and subsequent self loathing. We recognize that we are learning and we learn.