Sick and tired.......

There is a gap in the blogging because I have spent the past fortnight feeling decidedly unwell....I have had the flu....I do not believe I have ever actually had this nasty virus before! I do not ever remembering feeling so awful...so ready to just sleep and let the vomitous taste in my mouth, the pressure on my aching chest and the clouds in my head disappear into my dreams. Apparently I am my Doctor's first case of flu this year....nice to know that I am still aspiring to my little pocket of local notoriety ...and apparently it was a real old fashioned let’s get to each part of your aging body kinda flu which he said conciliatorily was the worst of its kind he had seen....nice...especially when the best he could do was send me home to a hot toddy! That is until I presented some days later with a chest infection which sent my asthma into a frenzy it hasn’t known in years and gave me some antibiotics which only added to the nausea! Sound sorry for myself don’t I, well I was and still am! Sick, debilitated, not able to get my usual full blast from life and not even caring to think, (which is my gold domain, I truly believe I am what I think and thinking is all of me...)and not even enjoying chocolate....I judge I deserve a little self wailing and lament!!!

Still....it has come for a reason....and probably not to just torment me...but more likely to remind me I am not as robust as I was in my twenties and I do need to start looking after me and pacing me a little...I’m not saying I need to behave ‘old’ but I need to self nurture as well as everybody else nurture which is my motherly personae for a lot of folk...everything I do, even my work, is about serving others, fixing their problems, making them feel better....I seldom have much space or time to do the same for me....it’s gotta change apparently and this is my foothold to the new routine!

I am not sure I can keep it up; old habits die hard you know but it’s worth a try.... putting me at or near the top of my priorities list is daunting...but let’s face it I am not going to be much good to everyone else if I keep getting sick and tired...and if there is one thing I do not do well its being looked after by others...ask my poor hubby, He has seen an ugly side of me of late and not just my dribbling puffy face wracked by a cough to rival a chain smoker...rather he has seen or heard my gruff if fading voice telling him how everything he does is just not quite the way I would do it and how I am well enough despite my intermittent need to vomit, to do it all anyway....and no I am not well enough can’t he see, why does he listen to me when he can see I am sick and ranting and where is his compassion....and no leave me alone I cannot handle all the fuss and I feel so Guilty...and where is he when I neeeeeeed him...and so on! If he feels somewhat confused I don’t blame him, so am I!

Now at last I am mending ( albeit more slowly than I would like)....and can see how difficult I have been (in more ways than one)....and can hear myself thinking again...and am almost ready to taste chocolate once more! Thank goodness...light at the end of this mucous tunnel! I dedicate this blog to my long suffering family especially hubby and to staying well for the rest of winter which hasn’t even really hit yet....and in that ilk to looking after me so I can be nice me again...in more ways than one!