In life it seems we are all, to some degree perpetrators of addictive behaviours. We, binge on chocolate, (I understand this one…actually it’s usually a lot more than one!), we want to make everyone happy, or create dramas for no apparent reason, we can even be addicted to our sense of integrity…not being able to compromise for any (and I mean any) reason. We can be addicted to work, running, the gym, food in general, having babies, being of service to others, being helpless or being in control. These may not be as obvious or socially unacceptable as drug or alcohol addiction, but they are still addictions.
I was being ponderous over this today…observing myself from a distance…and I realized that I am addicted to ‘fixing’ things….when the kids say ‘I am having trouble with my homework’, I immediately drop all and try to ‘fix’ it, when they say they are sad, I am inconsolable until I can root out the cause and offer at least three solutions that are heard and promised of acting upon. I come on like the avenging angel of all ‘problems’…when hubby is having a hard time at work, I offer a pep talk and differing viewing vantages….I don’t stop until I am sure he has grasped this and is ‘happy’ again….if I see someone doing something( anything) that I feel is wronging or upsetting a member of my family fold I attempt to ‘fix’ it then and there with a steely glare and a few choice words….I suffer endless guilt when I cannot find a lost item of someone else’s, or cook a dinner that everyone likes or give enough money to buy, repair or replace a ‘need’ of those I love. I am especially hungry for a fix of ‘fixing’ things after I have yelled at, disciplined or argued with any of these loved ones…I am convinced I must now ‘fix’ this bad energy by apologizing and rationalizing and admitting my fault( at times even making up a fault of mine) in order to balance and ‘fix’ the status quo…..
It is not a redemptive addiction. It starts out like many addictions, harmlessly enough…it can even be perceived helpful and socially acceptable at first…but later it reveals its sordidness. I talk all night, when the loved ones need sleep, in order to find a ‘fix’ it for some issue that actually only required a hug. I am manic and obsessive in my drive to ‘fix’ when they need peace and understanding, not a solution. I am guilty and self loathing when I realize this and cannot then ‘fix’ my past behaviour. I am uncompromising and unforgiving of myself and at times others because there is no way to ‘fix’ the past and this can make me ill.
According to W.R. Miller, in The Addictive Behaviors, ‘an individual can become addicted, dependent, or compulsively obsessed with any activity, substance, object, or behavior that gives him/her pleasure.’ Yes it is true, my ‘fixing’ is all about ME. I derive pleasure from being the source to a solution and I behave compulsively in order to trigger this pleasure…( oh my gosh).
Science suggests that activities which produce pleasure may also produce beta-endorphins in the brain, which makes a person feel "high." It suggests that if a person continues to engage in the pleasurable activity to achieve this feeling of well-being and euphoria, they may get into an addictive cycle. In so doing, they become physically addicted to their own brain chemicals, thus leading to continuation of the behavior even though it may have negative consequences. This sounds like me on a quest to insist upon my family all stating something good about each other at the dinner table, so that I can ‘fix’ the spout of infighting that all teenagers engage in! It doesn’t really work….I sit tentatively on the edge of my seat…coaxing, suggesting, begging…..while dinner gets cold and the animosity spreads to those who weren’t originally part of any fighting….I then explain, defend and rationalize my actions……exalting my great compassion, sympathy and ‘fix’ it abilities as I go, while others grow bored and listless and the human fire is extinguished in a last burst of flaming apathy……finally I lick my lack of ‘fix’ wounds and retreat into the shell of my guilt….and dinner fades into obscurity…..
Miller says, “ Individuals with addictive behaviors usually have low self esteem and feel anxious if they do not have control over their environment.” Ah Me………
But let’s face it, we are all pleasure seekers. We humans are highly reinforced by positive feelings of pleasure. We want to experience euphoria again and again. You might buy just one more chocolate bar( sorry to reiterate this one, but I just really understand it), you might wait for just one more wave ( even into the darkness), you might take an extra five minutes to get out of bed in the morning ( not expressly meant for hubby), you might watch the same TV show or play the same x box game over and over….but, fortunately or unfortunately (it’s a matter of perspective and even I can’t “fix” that one), that’s not all there is to life.
"Grasping at things can only yield one of two results: Either the thing you are grasping at disappears, or you yourself disappear. It is only a matter of which occurs first." Goenka
Addictive behavior can be seen as an attempt to control our daily cycles by optimizing agreeable feelings and decreasing the frequency of negative feelings.( Certainly by “fixing” I originally had this in mind for all and sundry, from whose happiness I of course could then derive happiness…kind of leech like really, kinda sucky) Reality however, suggests that we probably need our down phases of the daily cycle as much as we need the more positive or ‘high’ ones (the generally given reason here is that the negative parts of the cycle help us appreciate the positive ones even more…but wouldn’t this make addiction loom even more dynamically?)Truth is our negative experiences can strengthen us and help to motivate and direct us. They assist us in learning wisdom and differentation. (Well that is my answer in an attempt to reason and rationalize the vagaries of our existence and thus of course to “fix” the issue I have with unhappiness or ‘down’ time).
There is of course another side to this understanding of addiction…and that is to learn about your own, spend more time objectively observing your path through life and less judging the path of others…somewhere in there you will discover your own addiction and it will be as deserving of letting go as any other, believe me. (There I have helped ‘fix’ your life a little, haven’t I? Well Haven’t I? Come on guys offer the positive feed back….please…..)
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