attachment.....

Attachment…or why it is so damn hard to be a Human!! ( and the solution…non-attachment of course)

The nature of attachment and non attachment seem open to confusion……just the other day someone said…I read the Dalai Lama's book on the nature of happiness and he said to not have a bond to things and people… but how can you do this and still be with people you love, parents, lovers kids etc……..I think this is a reasonable question, but one that arises through the misunderstanding or misinterpretation of the idea of ‘bond’ or ‘attachment. We are not being cautioned to not care or not love another (how could this be if the Tibetan Mahayana Buddhist is to make the pledge of continuing to be reborn on this plain out of compassion for the suffering of other sentient beings?) but we are being cautioned to let go of our expectations of our connection to others and their connection to us…it is kind of like letting go of our co-dependence….compassion allows us to care for others and wish to help ease their suffering or increase their happiness but it does not allow us to want to control or fix or make possible all the processes of their journey and their emotional or spiritual learning…nor expect the same from them…non-attachment is about being comfortable with the self and being comfortable with others being their selves. ( as a parent this can be hard, but it means guidance and not control or judgment of one’s children…it also means compassion based on objectivity which is less easy to manipulate by the words ‘you love her more’ or ‘its not fair the other kids can’!!)When it comes to non sentient beings it kinda means letting go of our expectation that something can make us happy or sad, when it comes to a situation or event, it means letting go of a sense of the event or situation as making us or our reality what we are….no feeling or desire comes from without, it is a state we create within- it is within our power to change a feeling or desire…in fact it is really about being whole in oneself…centred and traveling the middle path… (Or at least that is how I read it)

In his book, ‘The Spirit of Peace’ the Dalai Lama says “The state of mind of a Buddhist practitioner should be stable, and should not be subject to too many conflicting events. Such a person will feel both joy and pain, but neither will be too weak or too intense. Stability is developed through discipline. The heart and mind become more full of energy, more resolute, and therefore less susceptible to being blown about by outside events.”

There is a similar concept to non-attachment in the Christian doctrine which is known as Kenosis, this is roughly parallel to the classic spiritual teaching of nonattachment, meaning to actively and willingly relinquish that which you're clinging to so as to give something else the space to be. It seems more outwardly directed than inwardly concerned…but the ends attained by the process appear to be the same, non-attachment.
Certainly the concept seems to have some body to it because it can bring about a result of more stability and peace within the individual. Not to mention less demanding and thus more fulfilling relationships!


The Centre of Advanced Study in Psychology, University of Allahabad, Allahabad, did a psychological study based around the idea of non-attachment which is also inherent the practices of Yoga. This study examined the health consequences of an indigenous concept "An sakti" which means non-attachment. The scale measuring an sakti was based on the characteristics of a man of steady wisdom "the sthitaprajña", described in the Bhagavad Gita . It was hypothesised that those high on an sakti would experience less distress and exhibit fewer symptoms of strain when faced with stressful life events. Results then showèd that an sakti subjects were less distressed and exhibited fewer symptoms of ill health. (You could read on in the magazine, ‘psychology and developing societies’ volume 4 1992)

So I begin to try and practice this process in my daily life….first I have to relax and let go when the dog sits plaintively by his lead which is hanging on a hook on the wall, and I still have many chores to get through before I am ready to take him walkies…he can survive the wait, I can let go…..then about the chores….I can let go of getting them all done now!!...the dishes will still be there, the beds will only be messed up again, a few hours after I make them and so on…..second I have to relax and let go when I cannot get my hubby out of bed in the first place in order to get him to go to work and me to make the bed…I can offer coffee and encouragement but the rest is not up to me and I am not responsible for the consequences…third I can let go of concern about my little hissy fit outburst because I did not get the second letting go and hubby did not get out of bed…( obviously he had let go of any attachment to getting to work on time)…and fourth I can let go of ever keeping all the kids happy all ( or in fact any) of the time, because their happiness is their own responsibility…its just the fall out from their attachment to getting what they want and making a show of how they feel when they do not, that I have to learn to deal with in a non attached compassionate way…( and I don’t think that standing in the middle of the room and yelling, ‘SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!’ is exactly what they mean when they talk about the middle way)…so letting go and stating the obvious in an objective manner is my lesson, ‘sorry guys, that’s just not possible now, perhaps we could come up with a compromise together’….and then when they all scoff in disdain and roll their eyes in contempt, I can just let go, knowing we will after all, all survive to argue another day!! I feel better already ...